Theoretica

I’m no whiner. The minute a problem presents itself, I’m slapping it on the ass with a solution-focused hand. You can quote me on that.

So I know this isn’t much, but everything I have is yours.

FACT: When I’m nervous, I turn into a little boy. My hair also feels like it’s about to catch on fire, but the limits of my cognitive power weigh heavily upon me this evening. I’m gonna keep it simple tonight.

COROLLARY FACT: Unfortunately, I get really nervous around men I’m atrracted to.

IMPLICATION: This renders me (just about) the unsexiest man in the world. Or the sexiest boy. But nobody wants to go there these days. Not with all those “laws.”

SOLUTION: I should have people around me punch me on a consistent basis - every hour on the hour, if need be - to toughen me up a little bit. Everyone could be positively impacted: my friends who need things to punch, the men I’m trying to do the nasty with and, well, most of all me.

The next time you see me, punch me. Don’t stop to think about our respective feelings. Embody the knowledge that you are contributing to something bigger than yourself. I’m already working on the papers with our beloved municipality to get this placed on the approved activity list with Project 13 so that you can write off your parking tickets while punching out my daylights.