On The Record
July 10, 2005 by discocisco
I would like to officially go on record as saying that I now ride my bicycle like only grandpas can.
I flipped over the beautifully curved handlebars of my yellow Peugeot (Butter) a couple of months ago, while I was going about one million miles per hour and soon thereafter slammed my face into the road. I was not wearing one of those fucked-looking helmets. Why? You may have noticed that helmets only come in two basic shapes: 1) The “I’m racing” shape and 2) The “I’m a total fucking nerd” shape. You can imagine why I refused to be cast in either category. Suffice it to say that I’m a lucky man. I walked away with only a shiner and a cheek that might have led me to be mistaken for a half enjoyed piƱata.
It took me a while to get Butter fixed up and ready for the road again, longer still to acquire a helmet, and even longer to resign myself to wearing it.
I took to the road today, on this beautiful summery day and realized that my worst fears have come true. I ride like a senior citizen now. I think I’m totally in a dark space now.
367 Responses to “On The Record”
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Is the “I’m a total fucking nerd” shape the same as “this thing makes me look like a giant penis” shape?
Mikey: I think that the “nerd” helmet and the “giant penis” helmet are, in fact, one and the same.
Cisco: Have you always been this entertaining. I’ve enjoyed your humor since I met you, but lately I’ve noticed that you have a tendency to be fucking hilarious. Maybe I’m just drunk.
Michael: Yes, that’s the one. “total fucking nerd” can indeed be subbed out for “dickhead” in this particular case.
Chris: I have always been this entertaining. If you had paid a little more attention to my humor while we worked together and a little less to my entrancing marketing skills (read as “crotch”), you might have benefitted from it earlier.
And seriously, thanks for reading my stupid blog, dude.
c-
my, my. entrancing. marketing. skills. indeed.
ahh, yes. i remember when my crotch got in the way of people appreciating my good humor. of course, then i was pole dancing in pasties. regardless. i thank you for my new favorite euphemism for my little patch of heaven that i shall heretofore refer to as my “EMS”
aloha!
m
You’re not going to wear a helmet because of one little faceplant, now are you?
Note: this is coming from a dipshit with two identical scars, a fraction of an inch from each other, from crashing twice at the exact same place.
Oh, to be young, stupid, and too cool to wear a helmet.
I now ride down Market St. with an exposed noggin.
Oh, to be older and still stupid.
Glad yer ok.
EMS, huh? I’m going to have to start using that one. I was out at this bar Bourbon Street Saturday night, and this hot boy just could not stop staring at my Entrancing Marketing Skills.
Cisco: Oh, the things you’ll say to me when I’m 500 miles away….
It took me several reads before it dawned on me that the below were not supposed to be read as dialogues but are rather comments directed at specific people. I kind of like them as dialogues, though.
I’d have to agree with the “nerd” helmets being the same as the “giant penis” helmets, and that I TOO refuse to wear either the “nerd” or “im a racer” helmets. My refusal landed me (and my head) on the curb, and a concussion. It was the rain, faulty breaks, pedal basket, and wet white pedestrian line to which I blame. It took a week to be courageous enough to ride again, but considering my bike is my only mode of transportation, and the only “sport” I partake in, I had to return to what I love. Proud to say I do NOT ride like a senior citizen. Life is too short to be old already.
-Kaija
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