» On Advising Silent, Offensive Voices Theoretica

On Advising Silent, Offensive Voices

June 28, 2005 by discocisco

Laughing at all the crazy spam in the world is a full-time job. It used to be that I would simply discard those items whose senders or subject lines either implied or directly referred to swedish nymphomaniacs, gangbang schedules, or torrential downpours of semen. Not that those are bad things – alone, or in varied combinations. I just hope that I’m lucky enough to experience those things in the context of sacred matrimony… Or to at least to partake of them in circumstances mysterious and suspenseful. Or actually, since I can speak plainly here, I’d prefer to experience those things against my will and without incurring oddly-spelled charges from Florida-based companies to my debit card.

Spam is like the black sheep of the internet-based telecommunications family. And not for no reason, since in it’s few 5-6 lines it succeeds in challenging at least a couple of taboos that we’ve prudishly constructed over the past, oh, two million years. And maybe that’s what I love about it.

I can’t recall which email kicked off my love affair with unsolicited email… I think it may have been the one about Weapons of Ass Destruction… Now that’s a topic I wanna hear and talk more about. I’ll leave the smart, world-changing conversations to other folks. If you wanna talk about the actual war, what caused it, how long it’s gonna last or whose fault it is, march on. I’m conscientiously objecting to doing anything except sitting in the backseat with my bad spam and getting to know it a little bit better.

I love how spam creates a universe in which it’s: a) perfectly okay to want to fuck grandmothers, b) convenient to watch grandmothers be fucked by nasty guys who know how to do it right, and c) all extremely affordable.

Hating spam is like having an internal, secret conversation with yourself about the weather. It’s a predictable, safe, and boring position. Loving spam is a revolutionary act. And replying to spam in the form of an advice column… well that’s just downright crazy - and therefore a perfectly appropriate discursive guardrail for today.

Our first and heretofore silent voice comes to us from Lance:

–––————————————————————————————
Date: 28 Jun 2005 17:25:18 +0200
From: Lance
To: cisco@greatbigpicture.com
Subject: moooo moooo

I was very shocked when I encountered this place.

http://teraquick.com/anewshoe/todancewith/tonite.htm

Some of the things going on are simply unbelievable and everything is definetly not natural.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions,
–––————————————————————————————

Lance:

Thanks so much for your email. As you well know, I receive hundreds of letters like yours everyday and, perhaps unfortunately, I’m unable to respond to every single one with the same degree of love and attention with which it was sent. It takes something extra special to get my attention. And your subject line of “moooo moooo” did the trick. You must really know something about me. I feel like you do.

I’m so very sorry to hear that you where shocked when you encountered that place. None of us like finding ourselves in strange and shocking circumstances. I will admit that I was a little surprised that you included a link to that unpleasant place in your email, since that makes it possible for me to be exposed to the same disturbing shock that you seem to have been exposed to. All the same, thanks for including it. I’ll make sure to pass it along to my readers in case some of them are looking to get some lotion put in their respective baskets. I believe that you encountered some unbelievable things after clicking on that nonsensical rabbit-hole of a link. It doesn’t surprise me at all. It seems that in this day and age, Lance, the World Wide Web is stuffed with scary things . But I’m heartened to know that you walk into that world protected by what seems to be a finely honed sense of right and wrong, of the difference between what is natural and unnatural. It sounds to me like you’re on the right track, Lance.

In response to your first question, I am not quite certain why the third hand on the watch is called the second hand. I’ll be honest with you, Lance. I’m not sure that I’ve used a watch with hands on it since the 80s. I’m all digital and wired these days.

I am in complete agreement that there are people out there who use the opinions of others as substitutes for autonomous analysis. I have to admit that I’m a little unclear about where you where headed with that. It sounds like you just wanted to make sure that I knew that you know “what’s up.”

Anyway, Lance, I hope I’ve been helpful. Thanks for writing and hang in there.

xoxo
cisco

Our next email comes from Isiah:

Date: 28 Jun 2005 19:00:30 +0200
From: Isiah
To: cisco@greatbigpicture.com
Subject: subject
 they spread em, stuff em and just go to all lengths to make you say damn http://tamountoftime.com/yellowskyze/rainingcandy/taste.htm

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.  Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.

Dear Isiah:

Thanks for writing in today. I love hearing from smart folks like you. It’s not often that someone really makes me tap into my thirst for global dominion - and certainly rarer still that someone makes me think about the beautiful truths hidden in superficially annoying tautologies. I mean - you’re so right about how misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. That’s intense. I feel so mentally exhausted I’m almost apt to accidentally click on that link you included in your email. Which brings us to the meat of the matter, doesn’t it. In the first lines of your email, you refer to a group of people who are spreading and stuffing things, but you never mention who these people are or what exactly they are stuffing and with what exactly they stuffing the whole thing with. As you can imagine, this is information I really need in order to give you sound advice. Please feel free to write back with the details and I will be thrilled to binary bits to help you out. Thanks for your digital shout-out, Isiah!

xoxo
cisco

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