» On That Which Did Not Kill Me Theoretica

On That Which Did Not Kill Me

April 12, 2005 by discocisco

The desire to explain what happened has almost completely subsided, and my interest in the how & why, like the melancholic placenta on which I dined for months, has finally fallen away. If I were less restrained, I might compare myself to a phoenix or a butterfly or some other winged product of transformation that you’re supposed to feel like after surviving difficult circumstances. If I were even less judicious than that, I might indulge in a metaphor involving seasons – one in which I talk about how suffering put my heart into a wintery deep-freeze from which it only now – with the gentle prodding of spring’s fingers – awakens. Literarily, it could be that easy.

Then I see him again – like I did yesterday – speeding past me on the bridge, traveling in the opposite direction. The blur of the hour-long commute resolves at just the right moment to surprise and test me. In my mind’s eye, I don’t blink twice. After all, it’s been almost five months and it didn’t even last for seven. I’ve had scabs that last longer than that. But somehow, from that comfortably firm resolve, I wander. The speedometer, closely guarded during the drive home, now frolics dangerously in the double-fine zone. I begin retracing my steps through self-inflicted tragedy. This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. My god, how did I get here? This is what you get when you mess with us, says the karma police. I fast forward through tracks for fear that another pain-covered indie pop tune will force me to drive off the side of the bridge. Where’s Wilson Phillips when you need them?

Before I became a high-profile scientist, I was just another crazy homo making all sorts of irrational decisions in a desperate attempt to feel loved. This is the story of how I quit my job, gave up my lease, bought a one-way ticket to New York, and then aborted the entire plan for a love that evaporated as quickly as it came. Maybe if I tell the story one last time, I won’t ever have to tell it again. Even, and especially, to myself.

Posted in Uncategorized | 114 Comments

114 Responses to “On That Which Did Not Kill Me”

on 14 Apr 2005 at 1:58 pm1 miriam

Oh my dear

I take off for a few days and you have a bridge driving off episode, and you also haven’t sent me a friendster message (oh wait my imaginary personal assistant is saying I was supposed to friend request you and I didn’t so I will leave that bitch-fest alone until I friend request you as I should)

Ohhh sweet sweet love. It hurts so much and I didn’t try to kiss my ex last night and then spend all day listening to aimee mann at work composing a mix called; when getting over it takes longer than the relationship itself.

You should really come for a visit, montreal doesn’t have much big hair but it has lots of bad pants you can make an award for them.

I’ll admit I barely know you but from your pictures and your writing it is hard to imagine anyone being foolish enough to think their life would be better without you in it.
on 15 Apr 2005 at 6:36 am2 Cisco

Add me to your parthenon of friendship. Assume my body into the enfolding glory that is your Friendster list. Just don’t tease me anymore. My heart can’t… how does Aimee say it… “take it.”

I am coming to Montreal, especially if there are bad pants. The only thing more interesting than bad pants is a bad lappelle within 14 inches of a pair of bad pants.

Add me. Make it happen. Do I need to send you a Miscrosoft Project document so that you can map the critical path?
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