» On Methodology Theoretica

On Methodology

March 2, 2005 by discocisco

Many readers are already expressing curiosity regarding whatever methodology might actually be undergirding Theoretica. Since the gravity of the subject matter covered here will probably not be any more serious than the subject matter I dealt with in sixth grade, I’d like to simply use a modified version of the scientific method I was exposed to in my grade-school science class:

1. Pose a question.
2. Establish the facts based on observation of the real world
3. Consider all possible dynamics, even those not obvious or probable
4. Postulate several theories
5. Test the most likely of the theories
6. State the conclusion

Now let’s apply this method to a real life case study.

1. Pose a question.
• Why do certain people hit their keyboard (particularly the return/enter key) so damn hard?

2. Establish the facts based on observation of the real world:
• There is a person sitting next to me (a man, I believe) and we are both drinking what appear to be warm beverages in what appears to be an internet café
• He is pounding the sh*t out of his keyboard
• His Dell laptop appears to be an older model and appears to be as wide as my Volkswagen
• He is not entering data into his computing device using the traditional QWERTY method
• He is totally acting like he’s controlling the f*cking space shuttle when, in fact of matter, he’s just checking email
• After every fiftieth keystroke, he tosses his head back and laughs out loud (The Glee Effect)
• The Quizzical Effect (finger in mouth, squinted eyes) is sometimes substituted for the Glee Effect
• After either effect, he surveys the landscape (out of the corner of his eye) as if looking to harvest attention.

3. Consider all possible dynamics, even those not obvious or probable.
Ok. Done.

4. Postulate several theories
• His keyboard is malfunctioning and he is looking at me out of embarrassment
• For him, typing is a performance art and this just happens to be the next venue
• He is reaching out for help
• He is trying to mate with me

5. Test the most likely of the theories
In this case, the most likely of the theories, sadly, is the last one. There are several ways to "bust this nut" as we say in the scientific community. I’ll propose a simple test here, for brevity’s sake: Lean over to the man’s table and ask him, in as objective a tone as possible, whether he is attempting to mate with me by hitting his keyboard so loud.

6. State the conclusion
When asked whether he was attempting to mate with me by hitting his keyboard so, the man remained silent at first and then actually seemed to grow offended and generally inflamed. Conclusion: people hitting their keyboards are not always or necessarily expressing a desire to copulate.

So we’ve ruled out one of the four theories… I’ll wait for another occurrence of this phenomenon to test the other three.

Posted in Uncategorized | 156 Comments

156 Responses to “On Methodology”

on 03 Mar 2005 at 6:56 am1 Matthew

You are brilliant. You are amazing. You are eternity in a bottle. And I love you. And you are killing me.
on 15 Mar 2005 at 6:37 pm2 Aldi

Hahahahaha that was genius
on 16 Mar 2005 at 2:20 pm3 Dev

rolling rolling, searing pain as my sides split, kidneys flap about flacidly(sadly gathering quite a bit of dust in the process), and i squeeeal with laughter…

this methodology is severely lacking in today’s uptight scientific environment, the dudes are way to tense man!

thanks for the interlude, i will be back!
.wR
on 01 Apr 2005 at 2:01 am4 Ryann

Regretfully, I must take issue with your experimental methodology. Of course, you understand, I have nothing against you personally–it’s just that the Scientific Method surges through my veins (especially my hepatic portal vein for some reason; it’s probably all the ethanol) and bows me to its disappointingly inadventurous whims.

N=1? THAT’s your sample size? Are you defecating me, as we in the REAL scientific community like to euphemize? (Actually, we don’t like to euphemize; we are secretly robot-clones who cannot admit to injecting agency into any situation, even one of a generally humorous character.)

How many degrees of freedom does that leave you? That’s right, none. 0. Zero. I know, it’s horrifying, isn’t it? Suddenly you find yourself with no scientific liberty at your disposal, forever trapped in your own pathetically flawed experiment, a single open point on an infinite regression line yet to be plotted.

My suggestion: bust some more nuts (>10), preferably of the same general composition and taxonomic grouping.

Until then, I WILL TAP EXTRA HARD JUST FOR YOU!
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