» On Columbiforme Habits, Part 1 Theoretica

On Columbiforme Habits, Part 1

March 3, 2005 by discocisco

Pigeons are not, outwardly, the most impressive of creatures. Even in a “fat phase,” the average pigeon weighs only about the same as an 18 oz. jar of Skippy brand peanut butter and a 2.5 oz. squeezable lozenge of Elbow Grease personal lubricant.

But inside, these creatures are truly remarkable. Their gestation period lasts a mere two weeks. They’re able to consummate sexually a mere six months after being born. They live for up to 10 years. With an average body temperature of 106° F, these exceptionally warm-blooded animals could easily put even the furriest human bed-buddy to shame on a cold night. And notwithstanding reported incidents of cannibalism, mites and salmonella, they tend to be fairly by-the-book creatures.

Yet somehow the pigeon has become the whipping bird for our species. When asked to fill out an anonymous survey, 8 out of 10 people said they would willfully kick a pigeon if they knew that municipal penalties for doing so would be waived. 1 went so far as to say that “pigeons can go f*ck themselves.” Emotions run high and scars run deep on this topic.

And herein lies the irony of the situation. Pigeons want to be just like us.

Let that sink in.

Observation 1
The telephone wires that run above Katz Bagels are full of pigeons every weekday. Full, like the line to see You Got Served in southeast L.A. on opening night. Yet those same telephone wires are empty - I repeat - empty, on the weekends.

Observation 2
On weekday mornings, I notice that pigeons sit on the ledges of buildings with their heads showing. Yet on weekend mornings, many more pigeons are facing away from the ledge (tails showing) than on the weekdays.

Observation 3
On weekday mornings, pigeons look stressed out and unhappy yet on weekend mornings, they appear to be more relaxed and generally happy.

I believe that pigeons, like us, behave differently on the weekends. I’d like to undertake a research project on this subject, but the scope of this project will likely require at least one research assistant. In addition to sharing the scientific honors that will likely fly onto our laps when the research is published, you’ll have the opportunity to postulate your own theories, develop your own survey instruments, and test your own theories. To apply, email me and tell me why I should let you in on this highly complicated scientific project and what you can bring to the project.

Posted in Uncategorized | 68 Comments

68 Responses to “On Columbiforme Habits, Part 1”

on 15 Mar 2005 at 8:13 pm1 miriam

me me me.. pick me to be your research assistant.

I would draw your attention to my previous work on squirrels..

http://www.flinknet.com/theflink/archives/000071.html

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